If you ever visit a movie theater that I happen to be in, please follow the following non-negotiable terms of behavior before entering:
(1) Leave your mobile phone in your tampon case. If I see it, (and especially if you use it) I'm going to twist it in half, and shove one piece up your ass and throw the other piece at your friend. If you don't have any friends, ill make you eat the other piece and steel your popcorn.
(2) DONT SAY A WORD. The only time its acceptable to speak is when you go take a leak. And that's only if I'm NOT in there with you. If you speak to me when I'm in there, I will piss on your socks.
(3) NO LOUD EATING. If you are a slob and cannot control the sounds protruding from your orifice (contractions, echo's, sub-atomic vibrations) stay the fuck out of the public area all together.
(4) NO MATTER WHAT you cannot laugh at the advertisement that tells you to turn off your mobile phone, how to buy your tickets on line or, how smoking is prohibited in the theater. If you are thinking of smoking, I'm thinking of lighting you on fire.
(5) DO NOT SIT NEXT TO, IN FRONT OF, BEHIND, OR IN THE SAME ROW AS ME.
Thanks! Enjoy the show!
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