Kick my face off! This is an awesome movie even if you completely suck at everything! If would occur to me that, even someone unfortunate enough to be without sight or hearing would enjoy this movie. Why? I don’t have an answer for that right now. But believe me!
IT’S ABOUT A HOUSE THAT’S PISSED. Or maybe it’s the land under it; I haven’t quite figured that out. In the original, I think it was the land. Native Americans were tortured there or something and instead of converting their faith, they just died. So the house was built on top of the basement, and that’s when the first family who lived there got screwed. Well, all accept the son who went on a spree because he thought his dog was talking to him. Then the TV was talking to him. I know people who think this now in my life, but they didn’t go shooting everyone in the house. They just listened to the TV, went out and bought some stuff on sale, and everyone was happy. NOT HERE! He kills everyone and then a year later the Lutz's move in and then you can guess what’s going to happen.
But you don’t have to guess! I’m going to give it all away. Reynolds (Blade Trinity) lays the lead, and in the movie you can’t help but think of Van Wilder (National Lampoons) and the stupid look on his face he gives sometimes. It’s the flat beady eyes I think! He’s way funny though, even in a horror movie. This movie has its share of babes too. The mother (Wife) is really hot, and the babysitter is a complete slut and bong queen - which was nice of her.
In this remake the history of the house and the land are a little bit embellished. But that’s cool, all the blood and torture scenes make up for and you forget you are being fed the imagination of someone who altered not only the original movie, but the actual events that occurred. Who cares? He chops the dog in 4 or 5 pieces (I like dogs) and makes the eldest son hold the wood logs while he splits them in two with a kick ass ax! Now if that isn’t entertainment I don’t know what the hell is. At least for me!
By the way - for the second week in a row I had the pleasure of being in the theater with the retirement group, I guess. I like to think I can get along with anyone (and most people) but when the lights go out, its time to STFU isn’t it? I voiced my concern to the other patrons thusly: OK YOU CAN SETTLE DOWN NOW! PLEASE AND THANK YOU! Apparently not! I learned a lot though – Tom Brady was going to be on SNL (I don’t watch TV so I don’t care). I learned of Abigail’s hysterectomy operation, and that she will probably get some really good drugs afterward too. Did you know that when Abigail’s husband (“John”) FIRST got his toupee, it looked so stupid, that she couldn’t even sleep in the same bed as him? I’m staring to think it would be better if I had company. But, who sees matinee’s anymore except for senior citizens? (photo of me here) Hey, I think its relaxing – you come out of there, and the sun is still shining! YAY! Get back to work, stop looking at me funny.
Back to the movie: The older son is kind of bratty but you have to cut him some slack. George has only been their step father for 6 months, and since he never fully accepts his new wife’s children (because the house won’t let him), he has every right to feel like crap. Especially when a house is trying to eat him. There is a scene when the daughter is playing a balance act at the top of the house, because one of the dead ghosts tells her to. It’s the only way to see daddy - the ghost tells her. YOU KNOW; if you are going to take on the responsibility of being a ghost, don’t do fucking with the living OK? We have enough problems with paying taxes and shitty drivers - don’t give us something else to feel worried over.... LEAST of all lying to an 8 year old. ASSHOLE GHOSTS!
As you can imagine, George is slowly transforming into the bitch-ass in the local area, and he’s acting all queer. He moves into the basement because it’s the only place that’s warm. He’s also t he only one that’s cold. Jerk. So the walls start talking to him, and he listens. He rips open the wall and finds a hidden room (why not, right?) and he start seeing things that took place there before. (Tortures, and slayings).Basically this guy named "Ketchum" or something was a freak or religion or something, and wanted to convert the locals or whatever - so he tried the brute force method, and since that didn’t work, they ended up croaking. A big oops on his part.
NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO START A CULT: If you want/need followers, its best if they are alive. Dead followers can’t really follow you - unless you are a zombie, and that’s not really the situation here.
So George goes on a psycho binge of course, and figures he'll kill everyone around him because they are all demons. That’s pretty convenient, don’t you think? The wife (who’s totally hot) is the hero, eventually, and just before George slams an AX into the 12 year olds skull, she points a shotgun up his nose - but chickens out. (LOSER! SHOOT HIM!) So she gets herself slapped, and he goes in for the chop suey with the son. THEN out of nowhere wifey slaps his ass the shotgun and he hits the mud. Nice. Then, he says "kill me, kill me" or something, and she says most heroically - "NO ONES DYING TODAY!" Fun stuff I’m telling you! So she bitch slaps him again in the cranium and they drag him to his own boat, and try to get away from the house. Of course they succeed, and it’s a semi-happy ending. Though, you JUST know the eldest son wants to punch him in the balls. And why not? He’s all tied up anyway.
This movie is a solid 7.4243. There was ASS, blood, guns, demons, dead people, an ugly house, a hot wife, a slutty babysitter (with a bong) and of course a little girl with a bullet hole in her skull. You can’t ask for much more than that. Now go see the movie.
OVERALL: 7.4±
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