Assault on Precinct 13
1-22-2005

This movie was fucking retarded. By that I mean afterwards you are screaming like a dope trying to remember all the cool parts, which is impossible because the entire film kicks your face off your skull. Of particular note are the innumerous bullets, exquisite explosions and cleavage that cover the film throughout and conduct to rip out your scrotum. I was afraid to take a piss during this movie because I thought Morpheus would come through the screen and punch me in the stomach for taking a leak. So I went when he was locked in the jail.

Before I got into the movie itself, I had to stand in line with a pack of kids getting tickets to some teen approved movie. At one point a pack of little giggling girls invited their friends (who came late) to join them ahead of everyone else in line. Now to me, that action merits a snowball to the eye. All I had was a leftover golf ball. I got two of them - not bad. So I'm in line waiting to get my beverage and one of the kids that usually waits on me asks what I'm here to see this week. Well, I looked him straight in his ridicules face and said, "Fool, what in the exact fuck do you think I'm here to see?" He agreed it was a stupid question, bowed his head in shame and handed me my gigantic diet coke (half ice). Enough of this preliminary bullshit - on to the review.

This movie is a remake of "Assault" from 20+ years ago. I don't remember that version, and who cares? This had Morpheus in it, some shitty version of Madonna with bigger boobs, and a shiny face (who does your make-up?) and that guy who gave Rambo a hard time in First Blood. There are several criminals who join them later from a bus that gets set off the road for the storm. By the way, there is ALWAYS a storm, and the coincidence that the place they are going is on the way to a building that's about to be condemned, right? So Morpheus is on this bus with some low end criminals and he really doesn't give a shit, because he is probably more concerned with having to take a dump in front of them at some point. The lead in the movie is Ethan Hawke who does a good job at being a disturbed half drunken desk cop who is trying to deal with some shitty decisions he made that cost some of his cop friends their lives. Boo-hoo.

The beastly Madonna shiny face chick is good to look at from below the neck, and she has large boobs, nice legs (fishnets) and likes to bang "bad boys", whatever the fuck that means. The other hot chick is a therapist who wants to bang me personally, but since I was in the audience she had to settle for Hawke. She's so good looking its sad because she gets shot in the skull at one point - yeah I just ruined it for you - tough shit. She has small boobs but you get to see most of them when she's adjusting her wet dress from when she has to come back to the station because the snow storm sucks ass and she can't drive because she's female.

A bunch of assholes surround the station and want to kill Morpheus. I really don't see how they are going to do that since he can just dodge all the bullets, but whatever, there is two hours of cool shit to come, and I really didn't care how they got it done. This is when the cool stuff happens. The pricks on the outside are really cops who worked with Morpheus and were all crooked - they need to kill him to they wont go to trial and get screwed in jail by some huge guy with a tiny penis. So for the next hour there are explosions, cleavage, guns, explosions, sun flares that blind everyone, and an 8 person Mexican stand-off that makes you want to punch everyone in the balls. LET'S JUST TRUST EACHOTHER! Oh shut up. There wasn't any sex in this film, just a shitload of sexual tension because I was there.

While trapped in the station some of the dudes outside try to break in and for the most part get their ass kicked. Some dope decides to send out one of the inmates (who can conveniently hotwire cars, but has never committed a crime in her life - could have fooled me.) with the hot therapist chick to go for help or something. Well that doesn't work and they both get killed. I was pissed because the hot therapist chick wanted me. Whatever can't win them all. There were several execution style shootings which were the BALLS. That's rare to see these days even in a RATED R film because the writing usually sucks and Hollywood doesn't know how to kill people properly. But in this film, people are shot in the skull, burned, exploded, shot in the back and generally disassembled in their entirety, which is the best thing about this fine film: senseless violence.

Of course the inmates get guns and can shoot better than the cops, which isn't surprising. Well, of course, they all get killed because their stupid and delusional. One of them even refers to himself in the first person, so he deserved to die. NOTE: If you talk in the first person, I'm going to electrocute you - stop that right now. Eventually the fight ensues outside and Morpheus and Hawks have to settle their cop/criminal vs. cop agenda, which is sort of lame, but who cares, there are bodies everywhere and the old guy (from the Rambo movie) gets shot in the balls for being a tattle tale - that rules. Of course only 2 (actually 3) people survive the whole thing, and Morpheus gets away to do God knows what. Hawke, being the man he is, pretends he's hurt and lets the Madonna shiny face chick help him to the ambulance so he can finally bang her. And why not? After a while I realized they didn't need to use a number in the title of the movie. Later when I asked people about it, they said that number was probably referring to the theoretical length of my schlong. I agreed. I rule

If you want to see the most violence this year in a Hollywood movie this is it. You wont see much sex or anything, but there is just enough skin to make you want to go to the mall and stand at the bottom of the escalator and look up chicks skirts for an hour. If you don't see and enjoy this movie you could be considered a person without genitalia.

As I wrote before, this movie had: Explosions (9), Guns/executions (8), People on fire, people exploding (7) Hot chicks and cleavage (7), and Senseless general violence (9)

OVERALL SCORE: 8

 

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