Batman
6-18-2005
It’s Batman, so shut the fuck up already. This is the 5th movie I think, but it’s really the first. Done better. Actually it’s before the first one because it’s an origin story, which is always cool. Interestingly enough, Bruce Wayne is afraid if bats. So, be embraces them and becomes Batman. Did you know that? Well, now you do. So, shut up. Everyone knows the basic story, so I won’t bore you - even though it’s impossible, because I am never boring. OK - there are some cool gadgets in this movie: the Bat-mobile it the BALLS and it’s a military vehicle (as are all the weapons) and it’s like a sports tank. All his bat-shit is based on advanced one of a kind military research and Morgan Freeman is the guy who provides Batman with all the stuff. Well, it’s his anyway, so who gives a shit. There aren’t really any dames in this movie, even though that chick from Dawson’s Creek is in it - and that’s all she will EVER be remembered as either. PLUS, she’s dating some Scientologist too... that can’t be good.
ANYWAY... since we all know the story, and most of you are going to see it anyway, I will just comment on the kick-assert of the movie. Batman actually gets trained by the guy who planned his parent’s murder. Perhaps to use Bruce later on in life for the Shadow Gang or whatever the fuck they call themselves now. They are a bunch of Ninjas who teach Bruce how to kick ass and all that, and then he KILLS THEM ALL! Or, so he thought. There are all sorts of cool fight scenes, and some fires, and shit. There are also some cool vaporizing weapons and the guy named SCARECROW. Even though he isn’t officially a scarecrow. That name really comes from some police guy who fears scarecrow and says is after he’s been duped with some frizzy shit that shit pansy dick nose sprays at him. The spray stuff makes your worsted fear more intense or something... so the scarecrow thing works I guess.
Wouldn’t you know it? The Wayne estate happens to be on top of a fucking cave system! WHOA! Wouldn’t you know it? I guess back 50 years ago that was all the rage and surprising to most young comic book readers. Well, good for them. Anyway, Bruce burns down his house, and that’s pretty funny, I guess He buys all the shit for his costume from different parts of the world in case people notice it from the news or whatever. Golly, talk about fucking paranoid.
Anyway, you have to se it to truly appreciate the origins of BATMAN. He’s just a regular dude that hates assholes (like most of us) and wants to do something about it. I have only one question (for now): why are all super-heroes in NYC? SURE it’s Gotham and all that, but the lifestyle and shit like that are all NY. Don’t any other cities have bad guys? How about Boston or Chicago? Detroit? I’m sure those places need some heroes too - so let’s get cracking Hollywood... NY has enough people saving them - let’s get it on with Beantown, The Windy City and the Motor City or some shit. Stop fucking around in Times Sq, and give the rest of the country some cool heroes! FUCK!
Anyway, if you don’t see BATMAN, you are un-American, and a pure asshole!
OVERALL 9
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