Blade Trinity
(12-11-2004)

This is the first review on this site, so I will make it a point to be sure you all understand the system I use. First things first: to the couple behind me who could have sat ANYWHERE they wanted (80% empty theater, and yes, that's an accurate figure) you picked to sit behind me and babble about stupid things like which pro wrestler was starring in Blade. I wanted to kill you both.

For this outing I brought my own snacks: 3 extra large deli style slim-jims Each one I opened gave off a ripe aroma of mad cow putrified shit. It was awesome. I also spent $4 on a piss bucket diet coke. Regular coke gives me a friggin headache - so no bullshit wise cracks from you people.

On to the review. The movies sound track tickled my nuts for about 5 minutes until I realized whoever wrote it, stole it from "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". The Kung-Fu in the move was standard Hollywood ass-kicking salami spoodgee Very cool to watch, but also very unrealistic. But I guess that is the point: it a vampire movie. And speaking of vampires, this Blade sequel featured the first vampire, Dracula. BOY WAS HE CUTE. Where did they get this guy, a friggin soap opera? He's is supposed to be the king of the immortal bat people, and he was just another blood sucker to the main character played by Wesley Snipes. I figured, this is "Drake" shouldn't he be kicking the living shit out of everybody without any problems? Apparently not. He was a vagina. In fact, its not only until he gets pissed off enough where he reveals his true self, and is able to toss around Blade. After all, "he was born perfect" and "never had to evolve". What gut clenching dialog.

Moving on: what the fuck is up with Abigail's feet? Played by what's her tits from some shitty TV show from ten years ago. She looks like she spent half her life with her feet bound and wrapped. What a gross and pointless shower scene. Watered down blood made the whole scene look like she was on her period. In which case, she shouldn't of had any problems kicking anyone's ass. But that's just my perspective. Also, he thin pointy nose: I could have picked the half digested smoked beef snack from in between my teeth with that thing. Fuck. Over all she's not bad to look at and is an OK actress. But man, those fucking iPod scenes were just so fucking stupid. "She likes to juice up before she goes on a hunt" or something similar. The jackass who wrote that needs a crowbar up his ass.

Speaking of dialog, Ryan Reynolds plays the wise ass of the team. Nice scenes from him for the most part, but if he's trying to be Jason Lee, its just not going to happen. They should have just gotten Jason Lee - he's allot funnier and has a similar nose to Abigail. Then there are the super geeks who, can some how defy the laws of physics by designing and making the most kick ass anti-bat weapons this side of Transylvania. Where the fuck is Transylvania anyway? Is it near Pennsylvania? Anyway, that's not even a point, since they found "Drake" in Egypt anyway. How stupid.

The fight scenes were the best thing going in this movie, and Wesley Snipes never gives you any impression that he doesn't know what he's doing - except when he's acting. I don't know if there were just no more ideas or what. As this is the third installment (and hopefully last) of the Blade series, nothing added up in this movie. Well, maybe the body count, which was pretty high. The weapons were kick ass: atomized silver, (whatever the fuck that is) UV cross bow looking thing, tracer round bullets with concentrated light, and of course guns mounted with spy cameras. Nice. I should do that with my dick, but anyway...

If you are going to see this movie, save yourself a few bucks and see a matinee. If you are a chick, don't worry, some loser will probably pay for you anyway.

Official Site: http://www.bladetrinity.com/

SCORE- Blood: 7, Explosions: 6, Kick-arsery: 8, Boobs: 1

OVERALL: 5

(rating is from 1-10, with 1 being the shittiest.)

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