Boogeyman
02-5-2005

 

This movie turned out allot better than I anticipated - which doesn’t say much. I originally thought it was a remake of the 70's movie of the same title, but just because it had the same name, doesn’t mean it’s as good - that’s for sure.

Before I get on with the review, I want to comment on a few observations about the theater attendees. I walked in the theater, and there were about 10 or so people there - a family of 4, two girlies in the back row (giggling), a couple in front, and a man alone on the opposite side of me and a few rows back. Well, the giggling girls were just chatting away aloud about whatever, and while I was annoyed, I listened, because I thought I would include it in the review just to piss you all off. Well as the lights dimmed and the titles started showing, the girls didn’t let up. Out of nowhere one of the men in the theater yells out "OK, I think its time to SHUT UP now back there"............ dead silence. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or whip walnut at this guy. On the one hand he’s sticking up for the other movie goers, but on the other hand, he’s fucking with my review. Well whatever, the broads had to shut the fuck up and it was time to get on with the shitty movie.

So Boogeyman starts out with a boy in a room pissing himself because his eyes are playing tricks on him. Everything in seems to be coming to life in the semi-dark room. Who’s to blame? His jackass father for planting the story of the boogeyman in the first place. Well, he got his anyway, as he was jacked up and down by some faceless prick who lives in the closet (of course), but what really happened is that the father left because he couldn't stand his annoying wife trying to tell him how to raise his boy - after all what does she know about raising kids? Bitch. She wasn’t even good looking either, and here I was thinking there would be some scantily clad mom chick that would have sex with a ghost or something - not so. So that pissed me off a little.

Next thing you know its 15 years later, and the little boy is now 23 and at a farewell party for his job - he’s a proofreader or something for a local paper or some shit (stupid) and his girlfriend is nice to look at until she opens her annoying mouth, and that’s when things really go wrong. STFU LADY. So now the boy turned proofreader starts getting frights every time he sees a slightly opened door or crack in the ceiling. This is where you think he wants to punch his Dads balls off for making his life a living hell - well, that’s how I feel anyway. His girlfriend does allot of unnecessary touching - that personally offended me. I mean, unless you are porking her, she shouldn’t be putting her hands anywhere, you know? Whatever, she’s annoying and I can’t wait until she dies later. (Obvious give away right there).

The next 45 minutes or so is spent with the lead role actor dude (cough) mourning his mothers death, avoiding his girlfriends annoying rich family, and trying to avoid freaking out completely in public while at the same time, trying to figure out what the fuck this little girl wants with him... yep a little girl. She’s got like a 300 IQ as most do in these types of films, and she’s always willing to lend a helping hand piecing together the parts the director didn’t feel like doing himself. There are a lot of sequences where there are rapid camera effects and B/W shots and scenes. This is to give the effect of nausea as far as I am concerned. One cool thing is trying to figure out if the dude is sleepwalking or reliving events of the past - and while walking in to a closet and appearing somewhere else is just some way to tell the audience that the director doesn’t know if he wants this to be a supernatural movie, or one where everything is happening in the boy/adults mind. Either way it’s fucking silly. After a while you get the feeling that you want to punch those two girls in the face that were making all the chatter behind the rest of us. Oh, sorry - back to the review.

So, as any phobia or fear a child has, it all goes back to the basics: break all your toys and drill your chair to the floor and wait for the big bad boogey to come and eat your face off, while avoid being sucked into your closet. A few other characters in the movie: the weird uncle who, while looking like Columbo, has ownership of the house, and it having work done to it supposedly. Bullshit, that place looks like crap... there is shit everywhere, and I think he just wants to play grab-ass with the neighbors. Another chick in the movie is a childhood friend of the dude who’s the main character. There is one of these in every horror movie. Their job is to add depth to the story from a historical point of view, while at the same time try and sneak in a quick BJ. Well not here, because the dude is a pussy and has a girlfriend who’s about to get suplexed into a muddy tub anyway. So, he should have banged her. Which brings me to another point: no boobs in a horror movie? Isn’t that mandatory or something? Assholes. Anyway the uncle got my approval when he got wrapped in heavy cellophane and suffocated. Just when Mr. Pussy is about to cut him free, the boogeyman sucks him into the closet and eats him much like a fat person eats potato chips. RULE.

So as you may of guessed by now, in the end all turns out well. But you never know what really happens to the girlfriend or the uncle. And you STILL can’t figure out if the boogeyman is a figment of a boy’s obsession with a fable, or he’s actually causing the shit himself. Whatever - there weren’t ANY boobs, kung-fu, OR explosions. But, there was some blood and of course, I was there. So it’s cool. Here is the tally:

BOOBS: (0), Blood: (6), Kung-Fu: (1), Explosions: (1)

I’m adding 3 points to the total: 1 for the blondie tub scene (semi-bonerage), 1 for the nailgun scene (see for yourself ) and 1 for the cellophane wrapped uncle.

OVERALL: 5

 

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