Constantine
2-19-2005
Constantine was pretty good. Though, because Keanu Reeves played the lead, I got the feeling it was the Biblical version of the MATRIX. Why? Some of the dialog could have been swapped back and forth with the first Matrix film. See if you can guess what I'm talking about when you return enough cans to afford a ticket.
So this is about a dude named John Constantine who was born with one of those cool gift/curses where he can see half-breeds. half-breeds are the name given to beings that are half human-demon. I guess like a succubus or incubus. But enough of the Sunday school lesson. The effects are good, though you don't know until they reveal their asses who's who unless they have red pupils. I liked all the gadgets and the bee-beetle-snake-spider dude who attacked Constantine for being an all around ungrateful prick. What's weird about this movie - or peculiar I should say is this: the angel Gabrielle or Gabriele? Has red hair, and looks like Eric Stolts..(character in The Prophecy movie) what I mean by that is the red hair and no boobs. Totally flat chested like Eric. Then again.. maybe the Angel in Constantine WAS a female? Fuck if I know. All I know is that's a stupid coincidence and I don't like it much one fucking bit mister!
So Reeves goes along the movie is a half assed bad ass fashion sending demons back to hell who try and breach the real world. The story is based like this: God and the Devil made a bet for the souls of all mankind but they can have no direct contact - only influence. And that's where the half-breeds come in. Cute huh? I think I had the idea for this movie 8 years ago. But It was good anyway because I like movies about Good-vs-Evil Sort of like my whole movie experience in general: good people getting in my way or sitting in front of me, then I have to shove a cattle prod up their collective assholes. So yeah, it can get pretty ugly.
There are always some cool gadgets in movies and this is no exception. A way cool gold shotgun that shoots sacred gold slugs or something. A dragons breath wand, and of course holy water. A cool scene involving holy water in the film is when Reeves taxi driver buddy (I forget his stupid and purposely announced full name) drops a holy cross into the water system of a building. Then Reeves, asks some half-breeds to leave and they just don't get it. So, he hops on a steel chair (this chair got top billing apparently) and sticks a zippo under the extinguishers and they all pretty much melt and explode at that pont. Nice trick! Of course there are some stubborn ones and they get their faces handed to them easily.
The chicks: Oooooooh, Do I like Rachel Weisz! She has those eyes and lips that make me want to eat pizza everyday! Thick long hair, and she's a twin too in this movie to I get 4 boobs to stare at! If only for a few minutes though. She's hot, and Id like to give her some peanut butter. This reminds me of something. I think Keanu has a shitload of cavities. The other chick is only the Angel who is a guy really because she has no boobs. Well, if it really is a guy, sorry, you are really fugly.
So Rachel is a cop of course on the trail to find out of her sister really did kill herself or not. Reeves takes a trip to hell via a cat named... shit I forgot. Anyway, Rachel's twin is there, so she's in hell for killing herself. Which is weird because she would never do that.. yeah OK. So that sucks.. and then Reeves buddy with the gadgets gets waffled buy some dude who makes fly's come our of his ass and mouth. That sucked and I spit out my drink. Oh, Rachel and her sister are psychic, I forgot.
Next up, and actually takes place early on in the movie is some Mexican dudes are digging up the desert and one of them finds the Spear of Destiny, which is supposedly the tip of the thing used to pierce Jesus. The thing with that is, it has blood stains on it, so whoever finds it becomes pretty cool and bad ass. But a real dick at the same time. His job now is to find Rachel or her twin and use them to bridge the gap to let demons roam the earth freely. Bummer. And you know who's behind all this shit? The SON of the devil.. not Satan himself. He has the deal with GOD not to be fucking directly with people, but his Son is a pissface and never listened I guess. What a dicknose if you ask me. Kids never listen anyway so what the hell do you want.
So Constantine drowns Rachel which is sort of hot, because her shit gets wet and you can see booberage almost. Now she can see all sort of whacked out stuff, and its not really what she expected - but she's female, so what did you expect? So now its all about the fight for all the souls of the world and since the son of Satan (Mammon, or something) is a greedy needy kid with A.D.D. and all those child-hyper issues, he's going to take over the world and all that shit and bring hell to Earth. Good luck pal, Pops isn't going to like it one bit.
So Reeves taxi guy takes it in the ass and dies. Reeves cuts his wrists and that summons Satan who looks like a young gay version of Herman Munster only with tar on his feet - gross. Yeah, when you kill yourself you don't pass go and collect $200, you just go directly to hell to get your shit owned by all the assholes without any lunch money to buy twinkies and pepsi. You're pretty much fucked all the way around there. The redheaded angel with no boob whatsoever comes down and tried to fuck all this shit up by stabbing Rachel in the stomach to release the son of the Devil. Just before that happens time stops because that's what happens when you try to kill yourself, because satan is coming to claim your soul or something. So after some queer and pointless banter between Satan and Constantine. Satan finds out that his boy is in the other room with the Angel and the Spear, waiting to open shit up. Well, fuck that, I guess? Satan goes in there and straighten things out. God apparently makes a guest appearance in the form of taking away the Angelic powers of Gabrielle or whatever its name is. That's cool. The Reeves is ready to go into haven because he wants Rachel's twin (soul) to be in irs rightful place in Heaven and all that. So, why not? Satan does all that, and in the mean time, Reeves, giving up himself for another in good faith, gets to go to heaven (he was a suicide victim too). Well, Satan doesn't care and makes him stat. Then Rachel comes too, and Reeves punches the angel upside the face and leaves.
After all that shit, Reeves and Rachel are on the roof and he gives her the spear. Why? I would have hung it up on my wall or sold it on eBay. So that's the end, hope I didn't ruin it for you too much.
Blood: (7), Booberage: (4), Kung-Fu: (6), Explosions: (8)
I'm giving this 1 point more for God tearing off his own Angels wings in a fit of firey fury. Wicked cool.
OVERALL: 7.25
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