Cursed
2-26-2005

 

I want to be a werewolf. PLEASE? Also, I want Christina Ricci to be my new wife. She's so cute its stupid. Even her ankles are cute. I think she works out. If she were a Thai boxer, I bet she could kick you in the face.

This is a werewolf movie if the obvious didn't already slap you in the face. Not bad. Its one of those movies where you have mediocre people dressing boring and proper or like un-studly regularness. Then, they get bit by the big bad sexual werewolf and all of the sudden they know shit about fashion and sexuality that they were oblivious to before. The geek in the movie, which turns out to get the hot chick in the end - who isn't really that hot, is kind of wimpy even after he gets bit. But before you notice that, he does some cool shit like hopping over a glass wall on to some bleachers and getting challenged to a wrestling match in the gym. Guess what happens? Uuuuuuuum... he friggin suplexes the dude and its pretty funny. I giggled like a school girl with a draft up my skirt.

Thank God someone killed Shannon Elizabeth early in the movie. She looks like an ugly alien and her friend, who is doggy and roundish in the face (big nose), deserves to have her legs removed I think. Well, that happens sort of. The Gypsy girl looks familiar, and I didnt stay for the credits to figure out who she was, but she's rather sexy. If she keeps that get up on she was wearing, Id pork her. Christina Ricci has a big forehead. Big enough to print a map of your hometown on it. But she's nice. She looks rather feline like.. but this movie is about dogs. Speaking of dogs, there is a shitty shit face blonde in the movie that looks like she hasn't slept in days after whoring herself to every major sporting athlete currently living and able to sport a boner. I don't get why she is so tough either? She's just like any other competitive broad out there who wants a guy but cant have him. What a loser. Thank goodness she dies.

Pacey from Dawson's Creek is in this movie. He's the bad ass wannabe who is in charge of some horror theme park, and thinks he's cool because he knows that he thinks he's cool. What a dufas. He's supposedly dating Christina Ricci which is nearly impossible because she's my wife. Fucking asshole. Get away from her. And you know what? You smell like shit too! So check this out: after the geeky brother suplexes the kid in gym he shows up at his house all gay and stuff wanting to talk to the geek because he now finds him attractive after getting his ass kicked. Why? Well, werewolves have a natural sexual attractiveness about them I guess? Of course, his hair changed all cool and his clothes mysteriously change in to designer garbage, and now he wants to be Fonzy. What a ding dong.

The special FX were good. The metamorphosis from man to beast was good. Though not as good as in UNDERWORLD. They looked bad ass and more real. So, after trying to disprove they are cursed and all that shit, Christina and her geek brother start avoiding silver and eating raw meet and sucking peoples blood from their fingers. And check THIS one out. SCOTT BAIO is in this movie and plays his loser self. HAHAHA! He's trying to get it on with Christina, and she's like.. I don't THINK so fairy ass! Its funny. Then she just wants to go home wash off all the Happy Days residue she got from Baio, which was all he was good for anyway, right? Who knows, and I don't care either. One of the coolest thing is watching the dog FLIP OUT and get all werewolfy on the geek kid. It was all animated, but it was really cool. Reminded me of Cujo, but sicker. If you ever have a dog that has a bear trap for a face, get the fuck out of the house quick. Chances are, the he has issues.

To kill a werewolf, you have to "separate the head from the heart". Say is with me: SEPERATE THE HEAD FROM THE HEART. I love that. What could be simpler? As long as you have a gigantic set of nuts and a can opener, there shouldn't be any real problems other than getting your lungs handed to you by a big fucking Heiena. One nice part of this movie is they assume you know what happens after Pacey gets a shovel wedged between his shoulder blade and chin. That was awesome. The geek was climbing all over the walls too like he was spider-man. Then he was getting his ass handed to him, and that's when Christina shoved the farm tool upside his neck. I'm trying to find a story here though.. seems like they named this wrong. CURSED? Work with me here: you get bit by a big dog, have unbelievable sexual appeal to the opposite sex (and same sex too actually if you happen to run with that crowd), you can jump over shit, climb walls, eat raw meat, bite peoples heads off, and fuck anyone up in general. This is a CURSE? You have to be fucking stupid. The thing here is, the werewolves can change back and forth and learn to control the whole thing if they practice. I don't see the problem here do you? The only thing you have to worry about is silver, who cares? Ill chance it to be able to do all that shit. This is like all those movie scripts translated from Japanese films. They get a good script, cast some pretty people and fuck up the details and give it a ass backwards title. What a fuck-toe. They should have named the movie WE FUCKING KICK ASS AFTER GETTING BIT BY A DOG. Oh, Craig Kilborn is in this movie too but thank God you only see him once. What a tool. I think he may even died? Who cares, his show sucks shank. Don't watch it ever.

I'm still trying to figure out who the Gypsy chick was. Man Id like to have her someplace. She is the one who says shit like: "You have been cursed! They are closer than you think! You have the mark of the Beast!" If someone was saying all that shit to me, Id be all about it. So when does my cock get huge? When can I sniff a fart from 3 miles? All that cool stuff dogs can do only enhanced. These movies are never origin derived either. You never know who the head asshole is, and it sure isn't Pacey. It just sort of start as any boring story then they throw in some supernatural dogs in there and call is PG-13. I'm not complaining really, but how about a little history? There is part where the geek goes on Google of wherever and looks up all this shit, and really, that's how all the "I'm a dog" shit starts surfacing. Well, at the end you can imagine what happens. All the dinks shit the bed, the cool people survive, and the dog is OK. Oh, and the gay kid gets to watch his ex-girlfriend make out with the kid who slapped his ass in gym. What's there not to like? Man, I pissed like 4 liters after this show. Was awesome.

Blood: (8), Kick Assery: (8) Boobs: (3), Shovel Decapitation: (5) Scott Baio (0)
I have to add a point for the Christina semi-cleavage shot, and one for her sucking the blood off Craig Kilborn's finger. That gave me the ROD.

OVERALL: 6.8

 

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