Darkness
1-3-2005

This is one of those movies people make when they are bored with other similar movies - but can’t think of anything else to write about. So what do they do? Sacrifice children. Whoa.

The movie starts out with a family of man, wife, and two children who have moves into a house, and by the looks of it, its a pile of shit. But this is edge of your seat horror genre, so we as the audience are supposed to accept that. The children: a girl who’s age escapes me, and the little boy, who is younger - probably 6 or 7. He likes to draw and sucks at it. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to lust after the daughter because I couldn’t tell her age. But since she never was in school through out the movie, I guess its OK for me to pop one off her. She was the actress who played "Rouge" in the movie X-Men. She’s hot and so isn’t the mom, and to prove it, Rogue wears medical scrubs that show her navel sometimes (which is mandatory for a horror movie with no point) and the mom is NICE and has a flat tummy, and a nice ass. And she’s a medical professional too – more on that later.

So, I guess all movies that have child sacrifice need a back story. This one sucked - sacrifice 7 children because they hold the key to fear and darkness. And being afraid of the dark, and what the fuck ever...What the fuck is that supposed to mean? They start acting weird: the Dad starts seeing shit, and tearing up the walls and finds secret rooms and a picture with 3 old ugly fucking people on it wearing sunglasses (and you can tell they are in a cult) So the asshole hangs is up and that when the piece of shit phonograph kicks in with a shitty song (you know like the one in Jeepers Creepers) only more so. So after a whole lot of nothing, Rouge walks in with a nipple erection and my ticket has already paid for itself.

The little boys pencils start getting sucked under the bed - and of course he’s drawing all sorts of weird shit - because he’s out of his mind, and like all troubled kids, is neglected by his parents who are to busy being retarded about their own relationship. Oh, I almost forgot about the sacrifice: 60 years ago or whatever 7 kids were supposed to die - well one got away because someone was a pussy and let their kid go - THE PLOT THICKENS: the fathers father (who’s also a Dr, figures) was one of the sicko’s who found the key to what the fuck ever it was they were experimenting with years ago - and since he’s a vagina, he let the kid go. Fast forward to present day:

So......... in order to keep the ritual pure and all that shit - the same child needs to be sacrificed. So, as the dad slowly goes insane, Rogue and her little brother are seeing the other 6 dead kids - and they are either pissed or hungry. And I didn’t see any food. The grandfather is suspiciously foreign (another obvious factor in child sacrifice movies) and tried to convince everyone that his sons (the dad) behavior is normal, and he’s just a dildo. Oh, there is also another foreigner in the movie - some arty boob whom out of nowhere comes to help Rogue paint her room. He obviously wants to pork her, but never does. She wants me anyway, so fuck him.

So, the grandfather is obviously the asshole and ties up Rogue to a chair after she figures out (with the help of her painting buddy, who I think is the guy from TAXI, co-starring with Latifia) Anyway, her boob are popping and so am I. Everyone is yelling and all that shit, and of course the whole time, all they had to do was not be afraid of the dark. That’s it? MOVIE OVER.

One exceptional scene is when the mom has to cut her husbands throat (she’s a nurse and knows all this shit) because he is choking from being crazy and taking a shitload of pills. The thing is, is that the whole ritual is about slitting throats and all that shit - so the mom is about to complete all this never-ending bullshit... But noooooooo, someone loses the hand made ball point pen tracheotomy kit and he dies. I think. Rogue always has to repeat 100 times "don’t go back to that house". and "its evil!" or whatever - just take off your clothes will you?

Of course the ending is usually the best part - except for this movie. It looks to be the writers wanted to go for somehing extra stupid and shitty, so they confuse the audience with dual endings. Again, I think. God I hope they don’t make a sequel.

Even though there was blood (6), violence (6), tranquilizers (3), human sacrifice (7) and nipplage (7), this movie still cant make it to a solid 5.

A unpolished script will always out do anything else. (-1)

FINAL SCORE 4.8

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