Fantastic 4
7-9-2005

This movie should have been called "THE BALLS 5" because it was kick ass. But then the head scientist obsessed guy would have had to been called MR THE BALLS, and that’s just plain stupid. This movie is as good as Spider-Man, and that’s saying a lot. The effects aren’t as good, or as well planned out, but the story and plot go a long way, you will like it, or you suck.

It’s likely you know the story: 5 people go in a space ship and get exposed by some storm, and their body DNA or whatever starts to mutate. What I don’t understand is why The Torch has to YELL OUT, "FLAME ON" in order to have himself propelled into a fire comet thing. You know what? Who gives a shit, its pretty cool anyway.

One of THE best parts of this movie is JESSICA ALBA! Not just that she’s in it, but she is nearly naked in one scene on a bridge (I used my imagination to the limit on this). She’s the most awesome chick in movies. I think I’ll marry her or something next week. Jealous? Fuck you. The character for "The Thing" was perfect... and his wife is a complete ass bitch. Just because he’s a big hunk of rock now, she takes off like he’s a monster or something. She even disgraces him after the 4 save the whole city of NY buy taking off her wedding ring, and putting it on the ground. Poor fucker - he can’t even pick it up, and he’s crying now. He’s a big giant rock and some little twit bitch made him cement his trousers. What a skank. So, the dink in this movie is really an all around dink. Probably had wealthy parents and got everything handed to him like a little twerp. He’s a cock. So, of course, he turns in to DR DOOM (because that’s his last name, conveniently), and starts a rampage on this former company after they fire his ass, because the space project thing failed. Hahaha... pussy!

Anyway, the next hour is all about trying to cure them, or fight crime, or dealing with emotions. Pretty typical super-hero stuff. The Thing ends up meeting some cute chick in a bar, and she is of course, blind - which is a plus. I wonder if he porks her? Who knows, but I’m sure she can handle it. Did I mention JESSICA ALBA is in this movie? By law, all chicks named Jessica have to be hot. I think it’s in the law books in some state somewhere. It’s a pretty cool law, actually. Everytime I see her, I want to LEAP out of my pants and freak out. But enough about me, fucking perverts.

As I said, this movie is as good as Spider-Man, but the effects weren’t AS good. The Invisible Woman effect wasn’t that great, nor was the stretching effect of Mr. Fantastic. They were OK, but I think they should have spent a little more time or thought into how they would achieve the effect. The Torch and THING effects were perfect. The Torch guy is the brother of the Invisible Woman, which is good, because if they were dating I’d kill him. As usual in MARVEL comic movies, Stan Lee makes a cameo. He’s the mail man guy for the building where the research center is. That’s where they try and "cure" themselves, which is stupid. Cure what? You can stretch all over the place, and this chick can turn invisible, and throw light force shit at people. I mean what the fuck is there to fix? At one point THE THING is brought back to normal - if you want to call it that, but it’s by DR DOOM. The machine needs more power, and of course since his dong has 1.21 Gigawatts of porking power, he mans the machine and throws some in there. So then THING is back to being some welt, who is just normal now. BORING. Somehow (he’s not the smartest dude scientist, but smart enough I guess) Chiklis (The Thing guy) manages to make himself all rocky again, and saves cool people all over the place. His effect of bending shit, and stopping fire trucks, and smashing 18 Wheelers is awesome. I can do that shit too, but I don’t like to show off. Besides, this takes place in NYC, and all sorts of weird crap happen there, so it’s socially acceptable. BY THE WAY, Mr. Fantastic stole my woman, so now I’m going to cry.

So this is a fun movie. Go see it. I’m going to go watch some porn now.

OVERALL: 8.5

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