I don’t usually do summarizations, but here goes:
What do you call 1 black guy being chased by 400 white guys? The PGA Tour.

TADA!

So this was the kind of humor throughout the dinner scene of the movie. "Guess Who" is a remake (though the original was Meryl Streep brining Sydney Portiere home to meet her family) of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. I didn’t see it, and I can *almost* guarantee this was nothing like the original. Why? Trust me; there was no one like Bernie Mac back then. That man is hilarious. But enough about me, moving on------->

So, Ashton (I hate that name) is going home to his girlfriend’s home in New Jersey to meet the family. Already you know there is going to be some pretty interesting dialog between Dad and future son-in-law. Why? Please, now you are acting stupid! Bernie plays a typical father who is like any other father trying to feel out who his daughter is bringing home. In this movie, you cannot help buy squint and saw WHOA to some of the dialog between characters. I know I did. But for me, I think it more was because I dislike Ashton. I just think he’s a boob, that’s all! :) His girlfriend is REALLY cute, and in the beginning of the movie, they DELIVERATELY keep her bum in the view of the camera! Why! Are they trying to drive us guys crazy? Good job Hollywood!

Anyway, she’s black is you already haven’t guessed, and hasn’t told Mom and Dad about her guy being white. Can you feel the plot now? Bernie Mac is the star in this movie if you ask me, and since you didn’t, I am offering it as fact up front for you anyway - Thanks! There are typical scenes where Dad catches future son-in-law in really ridiculous situations. Well, I’m not going to go through all that crap with you. It’s pretty basic. The film REALLY starts at the dinner table, when Bernie dares Ashton to give up a joke that is potential raciest. He continues to insist, and then, Ashton lets it rip - because he’s some bad ass or something. Yeah right.

At this point I am saying to myself - OK this is pretty funny... but it’s the 3rd joke, something is boind to go wrong here! And of course, I was right - because I always am when it comes to movies. You see folks, I rule! Anyway, one joke to much and everyone loses their appetite. I have my head in my hand nodding, and my little brother is laughing his boxed shaped head off. Can you guess what happens next? The next 30 minutes or so is a back and forth battle for supremacy between Bernie, Ashton, daughter (damn I forget her name) and Mom. Mom is cool. She dances the Tango HOT. WOOOO! OK, anyway, Mom and Dad are planning a party to renew their wedding vows after 25 years of... bliss! Suuuuuuuure, that’s what they all say. I have this feeling is Mom strutted her stuff Bernie would have a stroke. BETTER YET, both guys (Ash and Bernie) alienate the women so much, they flip out, leave the party preparations behind, and go to her sister’s house to suck down Strawberry Daiquiris or something all night. That was fun for me, because there were some really fine ass women there! Plus, the dialog was all anti-men, and that’s always funny. Sort of like the Vagina Monologues... only I didnt see that - honest.

Damn, it’s been a week since I’ve seen this movie, but you know? Even if I did make a bunch of shit up for the review, it wouldn’t matter because you probably won’t go see this anyway. HAHA! Check this out - Ash and Bernie are driving mini NASCAR’s and its more like a demolition derby. They end up smashing through the bushes and into the street. Fun? No, not really. It was in the trailer. It wasn’t fun then, but I did laugh stupidly in the movie just to set my place in history as certified jackass so I can be like everyone else there. Go me! Have you ever seen two men dance? How about the Tango? It just no happens Ashton’s mother was a dance instructor, and Bernie sucks at the Tango. Convenient? I think not, it was planned! So they are tearing up the backyard, and talking about stuff like, "why are you with my daughter" bla bla... why do you think? She has a nice ass! Sure, anyway, this is one of those scenes where you have one eyes blocked, because it’s so cheesy you want to break out the crackers and scoop up what is left of the residue from your receptacles. Ew.

Wait a second; I think I am out of order with the chain of events here, shit. FUCK! Oh, I remember Bernie saying something about 60 POUNDS OF SHRIMP WOMAN! He’s in trouble, but so it Ash. Um... I think at this point they "find" one another and get drunk, and start playing knee-cap football. Don’t ask me, looked pretty painful, but that’s what happens when you have large balls. They get hurt, OK? The worst thing you may ever have to do is make a speech to your wife or girlfriend in front of people like her friends or family. Man, shoot me please, if I ever have to do that. Hmm... Maybe Ill fake a heart attack? That would RULE! So Bernie does the deed, and its Ash's turn. He sucks, and he and the girlfriend argue out front, and this is the serious moment of the film. Violins, saxophones, and queer camera angles. I cried, but only because I had to pee WICKED BAD!

OK, now all of the sudden, Ash is a racist, Daddy is a liar, and no one is happy. I sure wasn’t, I had to pee. But as far as the movie goes, I have to remind people - please do not sit directly BEHIND me or NEXT to me, unless I know you - and since I typically go alone, that wouldn’t be you, now would it? I don’t know where I am going with this. Oh, I have a question... Why are there so many songs about rainbows? I’m tired. Actually, I don’t know of to many songs about rainbows. Do you? I should just go watch some porn.

The party planner’s wife is HOT man! And we (us theater goers) all thought he was gay. Turns out he’s "metrosexual". I already hate that term. Did I mention there was 60 pounds of shrimp? STFU! OK. Bernie goes to the train station because Ashton is a friggin' dingleberry, and that’s what the Director wanted him to be. So, they have some fairy ass man to man talk about how women are always right and all that shit. It’s only really a joke I think. Right? Hey guess what? Ashton CANT SING FOR SHIT! I am so happy to learn this, you have no idea. What a tool... Bernie did a decent job, but of course, he has style. Ashton is just an untucked jackass-in-the-box with no balls. Well, he did do that run-lift thing which was OK. I think I got a thong shot out of that! WOOOOOOO. Ill have to review later to make sure. Did I mention I had to pee?

Oh, in the end everyone is happy.

There were no boobs in this movie, no real violence or explosions. NO Kung-fu either! So does this movie really merit anything over a 3? I guess so, if anything, the pastries I had afterward were kick ass, but I also got a headache too. I have to pee again. BYE!

OVERALL: 5.5

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