Several people I talked to (which isn't many) said to me that this movie sucked, they had heard. Apparently they weren't aware exactly who they were talking to because I really don't give a fuck about peoples opinions when I decide to see a movie. That's why I have me… so I can have a first hand look at what is shitty.
This movie was pretty good. DeNiro is the balls as per the usual. You may even say "classic". And maybe that's one problem with some of the plot: he looks 60 years old in the movie and his wife (Amy Irving?) looks even older. So the idea that they have an 8 or 9 year old daughter (Dakota Fanning) is just plain stupid. But who cares, it's a movie about PSYCHOS! And that's what I'm here to talk about, people.
The movie is a bit slow at first, but that's to be expected when trying to build a plot for you to forget about later when it counts. There are several back-sequences where DeNiro is remembering stuff about his whore wife who is just a whore. A filthy ungrateful pig. But enough about that skank…. ONWARDS I SAY! ---------->
The wife kills herself while taking a bath (bubble bath I think so no one sees any 60 year old saggy boobs) and there is blood everywhere which kicks ass. Why do people always light candles when they kill themselves? Does that make it sacred? Stupid. Anyway, she's dead. Of course DeNiro is upset, but I don't really see why…. She was a pig anyway. So in the doorway stands little Emily (Fanning). She's in shock and all that shit and she should be. Someone just stained her tub and done fucked with her shower curtains. What as asshole!
So DeNiro and Dakota move to some country area and of course that's when all the mysterious shit starts happening. This movie is a lot about plot-slight-of-hand in my opinion: very crafty. (I just made that up, W00!) What seems like a child's imagination going ape shit, is really the continuation of a mental shift in reality. (made that up too, go me.) What you think you are watching is just some semi-boring story about a traumatized kid who is completely getting retarded on our asses. Not true. But for now, that's the story I'm telling.
The broads: Elizabeth Shue and Famke Jansen are in this one. The only thing I really remember Shue from is the Karate Kid and The Saint. Famke is of course from X-men, which rules... although she isn't telekinetic in this movie, which blows, but what the fuck are you going to do? Leave? Fuck no, I blew $7 on this thing, I'm staying. Shue has a nice set of rocks, and even looks good when "Charlie" pushes her out the window. Oh, Charlie is Dakota's "imaginary" new friend, and apparently he rules the house. There is something erotic about a dead chick which her skirt slightly hiked up and her leg all twisted up her ass. Is it just me? She was annoying Charlie anyway, so whatever. Famke is a psychologist in the movie and really, why do I care? There is something about her chiseled cheeks and nose that sort of bothered me. Despite the fact she didn't look sexy until the end when… ah, never mind that for now.
So the plot thickens and some of the neighbors are coming in and out of a few scenes. This older lady looks as psycho as the women who played the mother in the movie "Carrie". BIG fucking crazy eyes and a smile you think she was going to shove a hook up your ass. The husband is creepy too, but that's all because the director wanted you to think so. They take an interest in Dakota because she reminds them of their daughter that they lost to cancer (I think) some time ago. Well as a side note, the husband is a dink and I think he beats his wife or something. Asshole. He can't deal with the loss of his daughter I guess and makes it difficult for his wife because he probably suffers from nocockosis. Fairyas motherfucker. So they exchange some baskets of jam and shit, or apple pie or whatever and that's pretty standard country behavior I guess.
Elizabeth baby sits her sister's kid, who Dakota terrorizes a little by deforming her doll. That ruled. But of course Charlie is the one driving her to do all this shit, so blame him. Famke comes a few times and tries to talk to Dakota, but she will have none of that. The cool thing is she's drawing pictures of Charlie and people dieing and stuff. Way to go for a 9 year old! I'm there. The cop is an asshole for sure, as is the real estate dude. Those characters were just a little too weird and didn't really ad to the mystery or ongoing retardedness of anything. They just look like dinks, that's all. SO… DeNiro is trying to keep Dakota away from most people except Shue, who comes over for dinner and tries to befriend Dakota who plays the bitch and acts like a smackass. All the while she's dressed up in her dead mothers dress and shoes and shit. She looks stupid but also insane, and there is nothing like an insane 9 year old.
So, Shue gets pushed out of the window, and then mysteriously ends up in a tub like the mother. RULE. Don't ask me how she got there - must have been Charlie. All this time Dakota is playing Hide and Seek (big surprise) and of course no one knows who's who the fuck or where the fuck Charlie is. Until of course, things start to unravel.
Here is where I ruin it for all of you. DeNiro starts to back track in his memory (oops I almost forgot, the cop comes to investigate Shue's disappearance because her car is up side a tree, he gets his ass kicked) and discovers who Charlie is. Want to guess? Finally Charlie overtakes his mind completely and of course starts counting… Hide and Seek, remember? So Dakota is all over the place upstairs while Famke gets tossed down the stairs by Charlie. .Finds the cop and his gun, and get out of the basement to be a tough shit and screams all over the place looking for Dakota and DeNiro. Jesus, shut up will you. Their outside cant you see that? Pay attention and shit.
The struggle ends up outside as I explained previously, and Dakota is in some cave which seems too convenient for a movie about a wack-job psychopath - but it works. Charlie comes in and she splits, and then lures Famke in with some silly music box she gave Dakota before she left for Shitsville. So THEN "Charlie" admits to being sick and how pain causes trauma and all that (know who Charlie is now?) and that's when you see Dakota shit herself splendidly. Charlie bitch slaps Famke and she's in a pool of shit lying there. So, that's when Charlie goes after Dakota and she's 3 seconds from pretty much exploding. Flickering flashlight and getting closer, you think… "Oh fuck, she's fucked now!" Until of course the last flicker when Famke is there holding a canon in his face.
Jump ahead: All is well(?) Dakota is going to school and Famke is her parental guardian now or something. The end scene is of course the ball-buster because Dakota is drawing again, and just before the fade you see her art. She has two fucking heads. NICE. I smell a shitty sequel.
Boobs: (3) Violence [a few shovels upside the head] (8), Explosions
(1)
Spaghetti and Meatballs (5) Blood, (7)
2 points for trailer "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR" before the movie! CAN'T WAIT!
OVERALL: 6.8
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