Hostage
3-12-2005
This movie was OK. Its Bruce Willis back to his (not so great) cop stuff. I’m my opinion; it’s a take on the Die Hard stuff. In Die Hard, he was shitty and drunk and all fucked out of his head, until they start threatening things he cares for. That worked for a movie or two, but I think this is just recycled script. Not that there is anything wrong with that... it’s just been done before.
What is nice about this is Bruce still makes those contortionist faces when he’s loading his guns of peeping around corners. Make me laugh. In this movie he goes from one shitty job to another after his colleagues get killed in some sort of raid. So he and his family move. His daughter hates him, his wife is a bitch ass and doesn’t understand the crap he’s going through, and he doesn’t talk much. WOW BIG MYSTERY THERE SOUNDS LIKE DIE HARD.
So... these three assholes are in a truck, and this rich guy stops in his kick ass Escalade so his daughter can pick up dinner because he’s to stingy to get a house keeper or at least a god looking hooker to cook for him and the kids. Its no big deal, he's rich, and crooked, and those three dinks are eyeballing his daughter and riches. They are BIG TROUBLE according to their juvenile records. The head asshole, his little brother and some other dude they've known for a few weeks, which looks like he has some mommy issues.
The 3 musketeers follow the rich people home, and break in (sort of) and two of them go in to the house to try and get the keys to the car so they can go for a job ride. All sort of shit start to go out of hand. The Dad is a criminal and the daughter is a chub, who tries to fit in with her middle class friends by wearing a thong, low cut jeans and a t-shirt that says "burn it". Impressive. THEN she has the tits to ask the Dad for $40... And he's HESITANT to give it to her! What a cheap prick.
So two of the assholes come in and cause a ruckus. What they don’t know is that his house has some cool tricks: cameras, two way mirrors and a lock down switch that made me jealous. I WANT A LOCK DOWN SWITCH TOO! Well, they piss-slap the Dad and he’s unconscious, while they tie up the girl and son in a room. One of the dudes who is an asshole as the hots for the girl, and starts getting MIGHTY weird, even for me. He shotguns some grass into her mouth at one point, and now they are "together" because he says so. Gotta love the old cave man days.
Well Bruce and his posse respond to the silent alarm and they send a woman cop who ends up getting shot in the face and crawls only to her death. The head donkey wants a helicopter, and the typical fruit punch package. They also discovered 4 million bucks in a safe that was conveniently left open due to stupidity on the unconscious Dads part. So the place gets locked down, snipers shoot out the cameras, and some fake FBI people come to kidnap Bruce (yes) and bring him to an alley way so he can see his daughter and wife duct taped and all that. The thing is, the Dad criminal has an encrypted DVD with some bullshit on it, and these fake FBI people want it. And as if things weren’t complicated enough, they send their own assholes to the scene to oversee Bruce do things the right way, or they are going to incinerate his family.
Well deals are made and broken, and it’s more of the same hero, shit over and over again. Except: the little brother escapes into the house duct system and take a cell phone and calls for police. He saw Bruce on TV and wall only talk to him. Suprised? Don’t be, all 10 year olds do this sort of thing under pressure. It’s at this point in the movie where the fine line between repetitiveness and deja-vu takes place. The next 30 minutes is all the same old yelling, swearing and deals going south as you might see in any cop hero movie.
The weirdo kid, is obsessed and tries to take the girl with him, he’s all over the place, and eventually kills the other two dip-shits. But they are brothers so it’s no big deal, I guess. He starts making molitov cocktails and tossing them around like a retard - sort of reminded me of some scenes in the original Crow movie. Maybe they were trying to make him some mysterious drifter kid, but it didn’t really work on my end. Well, he gets shot and burns himself because he forgets to throw one of the bomb things. Stupid ass. He’s on fire, and Bruce and the kiddies are soaked with towels (expensive ones probably) and try and leave. Before all that shit was going on, the Dad gets traded and they fake his death, so the FBI people think they are fucked, and need this DVD anyway (which the little boy (son) was instructed to get - only there were two of them) so t hey can destroy evidence of whatever underlying sub-plot scam was taking place the audience wasn’t aware of.
Pretty typical right? That’s because it is, and of course there are happy endings, but not before Bruce tapes a gun to his hand, and then to the Dads head and they pretend they are going to a standoff. OK! They end up at some ranch or barn where the mother and daughter are - but you know these situations go wrong all the time (according to Hollywood) everyone’s going to end up dead anyway. So Bruce cuts the tape, and the Dad goes to the FBI people, and the plan is to yell a lot and not understand a whole lot of dialogue. Finally the Dad shoots the head FBI and they all empty their guns into each other skulls. Miraculously Bruce and the Dad remain unscathed, and then the tear jerker scene comes and Bruce is a master of it. Slow mother, no sounds years, and now everyone loves everybody and its time for pizza. Jesus, can you get cornier?
I don’t think this was a bad movie, but I’ve seen it before. The thing that sucked the most about it was the smelly reform school retards that were in the back row who forgot to shower - EVER. Damn stink all over the place. PU.
Here is a summary of points:
Explosions - (8), Kung-Fu -(5), Boobs - (1) My over all experience was a 3.
OVER ALL: 4.25
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