House of Wax
5-7-2005

 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

That’s what I was doing when I left the theater. I had some good expectations about the movie, and when I got there, it started out fairly routine: some disturbed parents, some whacked out kids. Siamese twins, actually. They were connected at the face, and separated. And when they were little, one was calm, and the other was a jackoff. That’s the scene in the beginning, setting you up for some emotional bullshit at the end, when some stupid dame tried to talk a serial killer out of killing her. And of course, the killer looks at her with head cocked like he’s a dog. Bleh.

It’s not bad though - tons of people die in cool ways, and of course, this is House of Wax, so you KNOW people are going to be tortured. Fingers get cut off, people skin and skulls peel off their skeletons. It’s nice and cozy. Seems like the children of the parents are trying to finish what the mother started, which is wax sculpting. (Surprised?) Only they like to use real people - which rules in my book.

There is a girl, and her brother (an alleged badass), a friend of his, some other dude who likes the chick. THEN there is Paris Hilton, and her boyfriend. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was here to see Paris get waxed. FUN!

As typical horror stories start out, they are all going on some road trip and there is shitty acting skills all the way around. The only person I recognized was Paris, and that’s sad. Who the fuck are all these other people? Personally, I would have been happy with just a bunch of Paris Hiltons, and the guy repeatingly waxing her ass over and over. Now that’s my idea of good movie. Anyway, the CUTE part is when you find out the brother and sister team of the road trip crew are actually twins. YAY! A correlation between the killers and the FUN people! I don’t know WHY they decided to include that useless fact. BUT WHO CARES?

Anyway, they are all on their way to see a football game, and the friend of the badass has a video camcorder, and of course he is taping all sorts of shit - and it SEEMS to me, Paris was at the end of the lens a bit too much. She isn’t a bad actress, but she should just stick to getting parked on film. She didn’t add any dimension to the movie, just a famous name. But, what the hell do I know? At one point she’s about to hose her boyfriend and he watches her strip and all that. Then of course, the both get killed. Classic horror movie scene: couple in a tent trying to bang one another, and then a disturbance! Boy goes outside only to have his shit fucked up by Waxman. Then of course, Paris gets string cheese treatment, and it’s pretty cool.

There is some creepy prick driving a truck and dropping off dead livestock (what?) in a ditch, and it smells like shit according to some people. The guy has NO good teeth, and he smells like a rats asshole (someone said so). The lead and her boyfriend end up walking the rest of the way into town to get a fan belt for his shitbox, and this is where the cool stuff happens.

Everyone in the town (if you want to call it that) is wax. Some of them are even rigged with wires to move. It looks like the whole town is like a circus, and all the lights and shit are wired from one house. So, the guy who owns the mechanic shop doesn’t have a fan belt they need, so he invites them both to his house to get the right one. HAHAHAHAHA! (Again). This is where the boy gets wax raped, and gets his eyebrows taken off all at once. GROSS! (but cool).

So basically he gets set up in front of the piano alive, but dead - you know? The girl gets duct taped to a chair (rule) and gets her lips glued together! THEN she gets a finger cut off too. But, her brother and friend come to town (while Paris and her boyfriend are getting slaughtered) and the brother kicks the guy’s ass pretty much all over the place. They all end up in a theater and the prickface gets two arrows in him which is always nice to watch. He’s not dead yet though. (of course).

In this movie cell phones are ineffective for SHIT. Everyone is losing stuff, and people are just plain stupid. Once everyone is back in the house (those who are left) it’s an all out fight, and even the dink with the arrows in him comes home to find Paris and her boyfriend dead in the pickup truck. Also, Paris legs are spread open over the side of the truck, so that’s pretty funny. She’s dead though, so don’t go popping boners. That’s sick.

In case you were wondering, the whole place is made of wax, so when the basement is set on fire, it STARTS TO MELT. Which is surprising, isn’t it? The coolest special effects are at this point, because the whole thing is collapsing, and it’s totally cool. One other cool part is when the brother fucks up the normal looking killer, and he goes face first onto the floor. THEN, when the fugly killer (the one who lost his face) gets his ass handed to him, he falls RIGHT on his brother in the same manner from when they were Siamese(ly) connected! Cool idea, and pretty funny. I bet I was the only person in the theater who caught that too. People are so stupid.

THEN, when the cops come and they are taking pictures of everything, and the brother and sister team are leaving in the ambulance, the cops are on the radio going over evidence. One cop says to the other: The so-and-so's didn’t have two sons? They had 3.

This is when you see the ugly tooth guy who smells like a rat’s asshole waving goodbye to the ambulance. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! So, see you in part 2 fuckface.

Boobage: 5, Violence: 8, Torture: 6, Acting: 5
One point for Paris getting axed, and of course, 1 point for every time RAP music was played - it gets stopped, and some kick ass METAL gets cranked. Nice.

OVER ALL: 8

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