I (heart) Huckabees
1-9-2005

This movie sucked. Actually it didn’t, but it was on that night that some cock-face bashed the side of my car. So, pretty much anything after that is a suck knuckle. Anyway, this movie was friggin weird -allot of philosophy type shit and of course nonsense. I couldn’t tell the difference.

It starts out with this guy in a shitty hair cut (and suit) in an office of an investigator and he hires her to try and figure out his triple-coincidence. Stupid. So anyway he give her permission to follow his ass around for who knows how long and fuck with and his "people" at his work - actually he didn’t give her permission, but she does it anyway. What an asshole. His coincidence is seeing this tall Kenyan dude 3 times under peculiar circumstances - which might not be so odd if he wasn’t 12 feet fucking tall and as thin as my middle finger.

So nothing is going right (for me either) and the company (Fuckabees) has some campaign thing they are doing for God knows what. I can’t remember because I am still so pissed about my damn car. Dustin Hoffman plays another part of the investigative team and they just brain wash his ass into thinking that the entire universe, including him, the table, some guy up the street, the Twinkie he ate last week and the shit in his eye are somehow all universally connected (sounds like a cult to me). So he buys it for a while, and they recruit some other dopes in the process through the movie - namely a whacked out fireman by the name of Mark Walberg. His character is good because he’s unpredictably retarded, smashed a big rubber ball into his face and into others... more on that later. Its all about exercising demons and piecing together your problems and identifying your issues from here on out - you know, basic brainwashing bullshit no one really wants to pay for, but do anyway because they thing any free advice (say, from me) isn’t worth it because nothing in life is free anyway. Like my fucking bashed in door. Fuck.

So in the mean time of these two jackasses brainwashing the general community - some other broad comes into the picture and tries to teach bad-haircut-guy the complete opposite to the whole "everything is connected" theory. Nothing is connected - how conumdrumous. SO she’s pretty hot, though foreign, and I can’t quite place the accent, because I’m too pissed about my fucking car. Anyway, she clashes with the other two investigators and as you might imagine, everyone gets confused and a big orgy infuses. There is a scene where they are all in a room (except for the brainwashers) and some old lady (who’s too old to be alive it seems) is reciting all this crap no one understand - even with her son the translator. The only thing good about this scene is watching her chew her gums up into a bloody pulp. Maybe there will be a directors cut - because that’s what I was imagining myself.

Word of note: Jude Law is in this movie and as I have said before, he just can’t keep his ass out of trouble with the dames. What the fuck guy? And what’s with the shitty accent? He sounds like a complete boob, and you can tell he just wants to bust out with a good ole G'DAY MATE, but he just doesn’t seem to make it. Again, he continuously takes rolls where he fucks himself because he’s a general dope with no means of peripheral outlook into his own personal life. Whatever the fuck that means. I just made it up, nice huh?

So after 45 minutes of playing grab ass with one another, it all comes down to this: everything IS connected but it doesn’t matter. Great, just like some asshole connecting with my fucking car door and it doesn’t matter - thanks pickle-ass that helps me plenty. You fuck. So Walberg is pretty funny in this movie and at one point hits on Jude woman and then punches his nuts off in one scene. That was cool. Jude can’t accept her "eternal self" or "being" or some crap like that. Why the hell are chicks always pulling something right when we men aren’t paying attention? They are obviously trying to trick us into thinking we aren’t listening to them - which is true, but you didn’t hear that from me.

I’m not sure if I took a piss at all through out this movie, but I think I should have. One particular scene I wish I had left to drain my main vein was when the bad hair cut guy was pretty much naked and in bed with the weird lady who thinks nothing is connected (sounds like a conspiracy to me) he’s so pail and frail that he looked like a featherless vulture being eaten by his own young. Then Walberg walks in and everything gets emotional. I was like fuck this - let’s get back to the orgy! (that was part of my imagination, by the way)

I need to write these reviews sooner because I can’t seem remember jack shit about them a week later. I know there weren’t any boobs really, which sucked. There were a few fights, and a fire, which wasn’t too bad. But when a chick says in front of your people that you give her 7 minutes of pleasure and it’s the quality not quantity - (Jude Law scene) you just want to wrack up and toss her out the window. There just isn’t any call for that in any movie or script. What the hell is wrong with you Hollywood? There is enough bullshit going around without you making things more embarrassing for men. Stick to what you know - explosions and retards.

I didn’t learn anything from this movie at all. Except for maybe humans are basically stupid; you should only get into a body bag if you are dead; and no matter what you do in life, don’t park your drive your car in Cambridge unless you have a self destruct mechanism installed in your car. Fuck-cheese.

This movie gets a 10, minus 5 points because my car sucks ass now, plus 2 points because Jude Law ends up chick-less in the end YET AGAIN. Go Hollywood!

OVERALL: 7

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