Kicking and Screaming
5-21-2005
Will Ferral is the new (but old looking) Chevy Chase. Take
alook for yourself.
Will is a big damn baby in this movie. But,
it’s funny. He’s like Mr. Brady, only stupider. That’s why
I like it. Mike Ditka is in this movie too, and his job is to play the big
asshole next door neighbor - and it’s funny. HAHA funny. Robert Duval
is a dingleberry, but that’s his job. Over zealous jock father type
whose son sucks at all sports. Including his grandson (Wills son, duh)
The movie is all about soccer, unfortunately. After Duval trades Will's son to another soccer team opposite Duvall’s kid, (hot young wife too, mmm) Will takes the roll of the coach for the Tigers, and of course discovers coffee. This makes him all bonerized, and start flipping out accordingly to the players, his wife, and of course the coffee people. Even some old bag lady cowfish customer gets up his ass, but she fucks him up and he gets tossed out. FYI: there are NO Starbucks' in this town, so don't go looking for any, fairy!
So Will sucks at coaching which is obvious, so he asks Ditka to help - which he does, if only to irritate Wills father more. Then, they recruit some Italian kids who can kick ass at soccer (if there is such a thing). So they pretty much do it all, and help the tigers get to the Championship. YaY. Might as well cheat.
One cool part is when the Italian kids don’t show up for a game, and the reason is, they are Butcher Apprentices. NICE! So, the Tigers are sure to lose without them. That’s when Will takes all the kids to the butcher place where they work and helps them cut this entire cow up with a chainsaw. I don’t know about you people, but that was the best scene in the movie. Even better than watching Anakin Skywalker get his legs zipped off by Obi Wan. Hahaha... That cow was awesome. So, after that, all the kids show up for the game covered in cow guts and stained with blood on their bibs. Naturally the other team forfeits, which was a good idea for them. They didn't want to get cow blood and guts on their clean soccer shit.
As I said, Will is a big fat baby. Crying and whining like a fucking seal. His wife even slaps his face inside out because he nearly starts hyperventilating because he’s so out of control. What a loser! His wife is OK looking, and even though you don’t see any ass, you can fantasize all you like. She isn’t taking anything off. Fucking perverts! DUVAL'S wife is SMoOoKIN'. She’s hot and booby with a nice tight ass! YAY! Who would have known this movie would have SOME ass? Plus, there are lesbians with a Chinese son. Don’t ask me what the fuck that was all about - I think I missed the scene explaining that. BUT they are funny because, I think eventually the "man" of the relationship kicks Will in the balls or something. Caffeine will do that to you.
Yeah, so they get to the championships and of course they are up against Duval's team (whatever they are called), and first point goes to the Tigers. The Italians score of course. Then everything gets stupid, because Duval has an anti-guinea strategy, and they score two points. IT’S NOT ALL THEIR FAULT THOUGH! The damn goalie for the Tigers can’t see shit! So, Will rapes an innocent bystander of his glasses and gives it to the goalie and, boy, does he look stupid. But, at least he can see the fucking ball now. It’s about time.
Yep. Here comes the pep talk. It’s all about how Will was being a dick, and its not all about winning (yeah, ok) and all they need to do is have FUN! And, do everything OPPOSITE that he’s taught them. All teary eyed, he goes over to the espresso machine, and kicks it over. That’s like a grand right there - what a dicknose. So, they all go out there and have fun, and by some coincidence, they score another point! Whoa! How did THAT happen? Fun perhaps? Maybe. With only seconds left and the game eventually tied, Wills son is up against Duvall’s son in a goal showdown. Very theatrical, (not). So, Will's son pulls a fake, and slams past the other dinks, and puts it in the net. 4-3, Tigers. Whoopee. Freak out, have a party. It’s all about fun - they just happen to win too. Losers!
But, this movie isn’t really about soccer, nosiree. It’s about teamwork, understanding, and how coffee can fuck up everything. Oh, there is one overly excited parent who, at one point yells out GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!!! What a DICKASS! OK, so they win. Big deal. I finally got to take a big piss after, so it was worth it.
OVERALL: 5
( I beat them all!)
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