The BEST Martial Arts movies come out of Hong Kong. Actually, I’m not sure if this one did or not, but it sure looks like it. This movie is CRAZY. I’m not sure why it was rated R, but maybe it was when the kids pissed all over the soon-to-be master. Speaking of those little brats... they pick on a little girl, who happens to be deaf - then piss all over the kid who thinks he’s a Kung-Fu master. Sure, he should have thought twice before trying to save her against 4 little dinks, but seriously - maybe he just wanted some ass? Who knows?
This movie is HILARIOUS. There is non-stop action, and wacky fighting sequences. There are basically two sides: The Axe Gang, and the poor section where they live humbly under some fat landlord (who happens to be a kung-fu master) and her drunken husband (who happens to be a kung-fu master) She is aloud mouth and owns all the buildings. One day, 2 dudes come to them and pretend they are members of the gang and demand all sorts of crap from the village people (not the group, the poor people, stupid). They are obviously full of shit, and it shows. At the same time, members of the Axe Gang come, and this is where the fun begins. Three dudes from the projects jump in to save a mother and child from being burned alive from the Axe people. It’s pretty damn funny and they are flying around like whackos. Finally, the beat the Axe Gang and send them crying home.
The fat landlady gets pissed, and tells the three dudes who kick ass they have to leave because they are causing too much trouble and are bringing attention to their area. THEN, the Axe Gang hires these Kung-Fu musicians to come in and fuck everything up. They pretty much kick everyone’s ass except for when the landlady can’t stand it anymore (or her drunken husband). This part of SO FUNNY. The landlady is a master (Lions Roar) and the husband is a Drunken Master. Very appropriate. So matter how fast a fighter is, he just slums all over them and kicks their ass! Then the landlady takes a deep breath and SCREAMS like a fuck all over and shatters everyone’s balls and ovaries - while the musicians are flipping off swords and shit from their magic violin. That’s pretty good special effects too.
From there it’s just all insane. Those two fake gang members in the beginning want to be in the gang so bad - but they have to prove themselves by killing someone first. They are just two big vaginas though and have no balls. Though, the skinny guy (Steven Chow) is a chosen one or something, and when he is hurt, heals very quickly. But he’s a big vaginal hole, and never realizes his gift, (yet). One funny part is when he gets bit by two cobras and his lips swell up like crazy. It’s really funny, because they are flapping around in the breeze, and he’s pissed and keeps punching this big metal tank he’s in - without realizing he’s denting it. What a boob. A few minutes later he tries to rob this girl selling lollipops because he’s still a jackass. It turns out she’s is the deaf girl from his childhood but he doesn’t remember - she’s does though. He steels ice cream from a deaf girl. What cherry clitoris he is! She doesn’t give up, and eventually he realized who he is, and he runs away like a fairy, while breaking her long lost lollipop.
The Axe Gang gives him a chance by letting him break out a prisoner in a crazy house who is supposed to be "The Beast" and the world’s most deadly Kung-Fu dude. He’s old and ugly and wears flip-flops (I hate that word). But he can due all sorts of cool shit, and it pretty kick ass. So, after the Axe gang hires him, the Landlady and Drunken husband show up at their casino, and the big ass fight starts. It pretty cool. Eventually the landlady reveals t his big ass steal bell the she uses as a megaphone so she can project her Lions Roar more effectively. HAHAHAHA. She basically rips the place to shreds, and the BEAST pretends to give up (as all beasts do) but he lied! (Eeeeeeeek!) He kicks their ass, but the Chose one (Stephen Chow) shows up and when the beast and the other two are tangled together tried to hit him over the head. Well, he gets pissed, and pummels Chow's head into the pavement. Literally. You feel bad for him, but not to much. Somehow they all get away, and show up at the projects again. They make Chow into a cocoon, for some reason; since he’s all beat up. Then he starts healing and all that - and because he was all bet the shit out of, it released some blockage in his anus or something, because now all his knowledge and power (and all that shit) has come into fruition. YAY!
This is the fun part: it looks like the starting fight scene in Enter the Dragon! (woohoo). He totals everyone’s face, and everyone is flying around smashing into shit. HAHaHAHAHa (we were all laughing in the theater like that). Then the Beast guy comes and they start fighting. He’s kicking his ass, but then the Beast does some Toad style kung-fu leaping bullshit (which looks pretty disturbing) and head-butts Chow into the sky. He’s flying up there and all that - but then the Buddha appears in the clouds, and all that. So I guess that gives him the power of Grayskull or something, because then he shoots down in a fireballs and sticks his hand out (Buddha’s Palm) and this big ass hand print bitch slaps the ground and the Beast-Toad dude. After picking his face off the ground, he tries another chance to kick chows ass. BUDDAHS PALM BABY! Another big ass hand print right through the building! FUN SHIT. The fight scenes are so cool in this movie. It’s like Enter the Dragon and Peter Pan sandwiched around c Jackie Chan flick. HAHAHAHAHA. So after Beast gets bitch slapped for a second time, he takes some dart and tries to poke Chow with it. NOPE. Chow (the chosen one) takes out the needle, and turns it into some flower thing, and spins it off. The Beast says "what move is that?" And Chow replies "If you want to learn, I can teach you". AAWEEE! The Beast breaks out in a hippopotamus whaling cry, and bows in front of the master. HAHAHA. Chicken ass! And that’s that.
Although this movie had no boobs or any real explosions there was a firecracker! PLUS, the opening scene kicked ass. There were a few guns, but mostly axes. Not bad.
No questions about it - this movie is a 10!
(I can't add today, sorry)
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