Polar Express
12-4-2004

Synopsis of this review: Any movie that has the potential to make you throw up is a good movie. Extra points if its animated. Extra EXTRA points if its in 3D, like Polar Express.

The whole experience of this Saturday morning outing kicked the inevitable ass. I bought my tickets online at Joran's IMAX site a few days earlier because, I knew this place was going to be packed like a greek ass (thanks mike). When I get there, all I see is a shitload of jellybeans. To my immediate right, there is a child strapped to an indoor trapeze with a safety net below. What's the net for? Anyway, this place is the balls. One note of mention is the large muppet-style monster cracking out of the upper wall holding a depressed NY Yankee player. Most likely ARod or Jeter.

So I pick up my ticked and head trough the line and get my 3D glasses, (which I had to return) Stood in line and for 2o minutes until I was able to plant my ass in the theater holding the 4 story screen"Fuck!" I said to myself in a jolly fashion. IT was huge, and I had GOOD seats. The preview was 3D Nascar and some other crap. I was too busy wondering what pr0n would look like on this pig.

This movie is your basic animated fair like FINAL FANTASY, (that movie). Good Christmassy type story about a kid who doesn't believe in Santa, (but probably puts his tooth under his pillow expecting a quarter; brat). The 3D aspect makes it so much better, especially with the outdoor FX like the weather, sky and vehicle rides. Word of note: the train ride on the roller coaster style track was deliberately put there to make my nuts invert into my stomach. Nice.

There are TONS of midgets and no nudity, which is good for children so its safe. Plus, you can trick your kid into doing more shit during the year after seeing this movie - if not shaking a sleigh bell to see if they can hear it. Of course its not all fun and glory. In every movie there is always some character who is purposely made annoying, but in the end gets a new asshole. This one provided via St. Nick himself. He doesn't shove a preserved antler up his ass, but he does send him back into the lineup after he flaps his gums to much. Make sure your kids pay attention to that part.

The animation is really fluid, if not to much so, like the slow-mo parts. A bit over done, but still dramatic. Yay. Allot of the voices are done (including the narrating) by Bosom Buddy himself, Tom Hanks. I was waiting for him to pull out a basket ball and start making out with it.... you know that movie where he works for FedEx? Anyway.. He didn't. The only disappointing factor. Then I realized (again) this was a rated G movie. OOPS.

I left the theater with a "feel good" attitude (didn't last), and a renewed [dis]interest in Christmas itself. I spent the rest of the day swearing. Over all, it was enjoyable. I even cried a few times. I had to piss so bad. And it was true. And I did.

If you are going to see this movie, bring your insignificant other. It may not get you laid, but at least you you can both look stupid together with those big friggin yellow 3D spectacles.

Official Site: The Polar Express

SCORE- Blood: 0, Explosions: 2, Kick-arsery: 9, Boobs: 0

OVERALL: 2.75 + 5 points for the 3D (my new rule) = 7.75

(rating is from 1-10, with 1 being the shittiest.)

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