Sahara
4-9-2005

This movie was a lot like National Treasure, only for diseases. Mathew McConnaHAY is a dude who likes to hunt for treasures, but this time when looking for some coin that is really rare - runs into Penelope Cruz and some other guy, who need help to go to some place in Africa to contain a shitty disease that makes people look like the chick from The Exorcist. Ew.

There are some cool things going on here like guns and explosions. But what is really cool is the disease that’s killing everyone! If they (whoever) don’t contain it, it will seep to the US and the rest of the world through the Atlantic Ocean and we're all fucked at that point. Well luckily the good guys are armed with a flare gun and a big set of balls, because that’s exactly what it took to get through this movie with out peeing my pants. (128oz diet coke)

Don’t you just love solar energy and all the cool things you can burn, cook, vaporize and fry with it? Me too! There is a scene where this whole big ass area is filled with reflectors and solar panels used to vaporize toxic waste or something. Some of it gets stored under ground (in the desert) and that’s why the world is going to be poisoned. In the mean time, the treasure hunters are looking for that goofy coin. Well since any guy can’t refuse a good looking chicks request for help, you can guess what happens. Penelope needs to go and contain the disease, and since there isn’t any good looking girls around they use her. Matt, helps her out, and in the mean time gets shot at, loses a satellite phone and a boat explodes. There are a lot of MEAN people in the movie who don’t understand the process of COOPERATION (similar to not sitting next to me in the theater, but different). There is a lot of dialog that you just squint at - you know? That really poorly written stuff that takes up time cleaning the spit off your chin. Ew. It’s not too bad, but when it’s coming from unconvincing acting, it just makes it sort of... well. Stupid?

Matt’s real mission is to find this boat that should be at the bottom of the Atlantic on the East coast of the US, but later realizes by natural instinct that it’s on the west coast of Africa. Which uses to be water at one time, but not that its desert; it’s probably just buried in a whole lot of shit. Figures doesn’t it? Every story needs a double hook, so there you have it. A killer disease and a lost ship. YAY! There IS a funny scene where they use a 200 year old canon and shot a big ass bowling ball into a helicopter, and the look on the guys face just before it explodes is priceless. Not really "MasterCard" priceless, but effective enough. He was a dink anyway, you know? Serves him right for not giving a fuck about the environment. Wait until some uppity world conservative broads get a hold of him! He’s so dead screwed.

I’m on vacation and can’t think straight. There weren’t any real boobs in this movie. The only people in it that showed skin were all decrepit and decaying due to the plague thing. Why do old people who are deaf go to movies? All they do is talk out loud and piss everyone else off - and piss in their pants too. Another thing - I waited in line for ten minutes to get a beverage, and just ended up saying fuck it and went into the theater. There were like 15 of us and ONE dude at the registere. What the fuck is up with AMC? Where are the managers helping this poor fucker with the skin problem in his face? He didn’t seem to want to move his ass much either. I wanted a fucking cola and the kid was back in the kitchen jacking off. Fucking jackass. I think you stink mister fuckface! Ha-ha.

If this movie had a sad ending, then it wouldn’t make sense. I don’t think Matt got to pork Penelope. Man, a lot of people died too. Tough shit, though. They were mostly extras and not really memorable characters. So who cares, right? They don’t get top billing for a reason. That’s why they call them extras. Extra what? Extra boring? Extra shitty? They can’t even die properly. Isn’t there a class for that sort of shit? Die School? Who cares? All the important people ended up living, which is neither disappointing nor uplifting. Don’t you hate those movies where some friendships are based on someone saving someone’s life like 50 years ago? What the fuck? GIVE IN ALREADY. "You remember that time I gave you my underwear because you shit yourself?" See, that sort of crap. It’s so dumb. If everyone just worried about their own shitty undergarments, no one would owe anyone anything.

This movie is a 5. No if’s, and's or assholes about it!

 

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