The Cave
8-28-2005
This was about a big hole in Romania. Everything mysterious seems to happen in Romania. I think that’s where the Philips screwdriver was invented too. They have everything there. Anyway, the characters in this movie were OK. But, there were too many guys playing insignificant roles as tough guys or tattooed body builder types with SKILLZ like climbing over chairs and trying to pick up foreign doctors. I don’t think I saw ONE boob in this movie. So stupid.
The movie itself wasn’t that bad, but really, the whole concept wasn’t worked out to well. It was basically about a parasite that bites out your asshole, and you start to transform and eventually become a bird. Your eyeballs become 4 pointed stars. Big deal! The effects were cool, though. I mean, there wasn’t a real explanation about anything. It was TOO mysterious. It wasn’t a bad movie, really. It was just sort of dumb.
This movie follows the path of t his particular theater becoming very gross and shitty. The last 5 or so movies I’ve seen at this theater have been uncomfortable. The movies start late, the sound bounces in and out. The advertisements don’t show up, the commercials are cut off without delivering their message. Not that I care about the commercials much, but the whole experience and overall quality for the movie go'er is going down hill RAPIDLY! WHAT THE FUCK! I like this theater because there are other things to do when you get out of your shitty movie. So, I’m torn (like an old sweater) as to what to do or where to go instead. Maybe I will just report their asses to AMC headquarters. YEAH!
"Hello? AMC people? Your theater in Burlington sucks the big ass of a foreign and unspecified new colon. Make it better! Thanks."
Back to the movie. Everyone has their expert thing they do. Some chick (unmemorable) is good at climbing. Another dude, who is the brother of the star (hard to tell who the lead is in this movie, could of been me, who knows) is the best "scout" whatever that means. Then you have your squad of boobs who just spew out shitty dialog and show off their physique and tans. At one point the scientists have a piece of one of the creatures and it’s sort of still alive. It’s a big hook sort of talon claw thing, and from that they can tell that this creature has evolved over time from a parasite and in total isolation. WOW. I’ve evolved over time in total isolation too (as you can plainly see) and I didn’t grow wings or fly around lighting myself on fire either! Though, I think that sounds cool, its pretty unrealistic. It’s like their crammed 2000 years of metamorphosis into an hour. No real explanation. Most stupid people wouldn’t care, really about this, because the effects are pretty neat regardless. BUT, that’s like making porn and all you see is a series of cumshots. YAY LOOK, JELL-O BRAND JELITEN. See what I mean? Useless.
All in all, you go see this movie and, you say two things: "wow" and "oh boy". Wow because it’s visually cool and OH BOY because there are too many dudes in there doing stupid things making no sense. I suggest you wait for the DVD and then after you watch the last 45 minutes, you throw it at your most unfavorite person in the room.
OVERALL: 5.5
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