A Series of Unfortunate Events
12-31-2004

This movie is itself, an unfortunate event. It took Jim Carey 7 HOURS a day in make up to have all that shit done to him. I can somewhat relate, because once I had the bitch of a constipation, and was pushing and shoving for half a day. He got off easy.

One nice thing to consider when watching this movie is: the girl actress in the movie has nice thick lips, which means in a few years she will be in playboy or making some shitty album and touring malls across America and posing for slutty magazines. The boy will never work again, because he wasn’t really memorable, though played a key roll in making me want to punch other next to me in the face. The baby was cute, yet annoying, because every spit of giggle she came up with had some extra-terrestrial meaning. Watch out George Bush.

The scenes were awesome, and story was good. How can a house set on fire by a huge magnifying glass suck? I remember doing that with ants in matchbox cars, so this movie brought allot of nice memories back - except for the 12 hour dump. Jim plays 3 or 4 characters, and even though you know they are all him, they are all dynamically different. What? One guy he plays is like a sailor, but since he has a wooden leg, he has the essence of a pirate, which is nice, but that beard was something annoying like an itch on my obstructed colon. The most memorable character he plays is, of course, shit... you know the Olof dude what’s his name? The BEST character was the one who was sorter nerdy, but talked with a lisp which rules because most people who talk with a lisp were introverted when they were children and probably stepped on a few pigeons in their days as a youngster.

Burned houses, fake marriages to 14 year olds (nice) a talking annoying happy baby hanging from a hook over the sea (woo!) the sea leeches, and of course the train scene where the kids almost get rammed by 50 tons of metal were things I smiled and laughed at (to much of the rest of the audiences dismay). That pissed me off. The movie could have been over in 30 minutes.

So basically you have some guy (Jim) who lights his relative’s house on fire with a big ass magnifying glass in order to get the children -- in order to get their fortune. But he finally realized if the kids are harmed, he won’t get a cent, which is always the clause in stories like this. YAWN. There are several scenes incorporating a "spyglass" that gets passed on from father to son etc, which makes little sense to me, unless they were watching the neighbors screw - in which case, there is a porn sub-plot that didn’t make it out of the cutting room floor. That blows.

There is a great scene with snakes, and all sorts of other creatures, and just when you think the baby is going to have its head rearranged by a deadly viper, is turns in a some fairy-assed spaghetti-like pussy rope with eyes, and they exchange sloppy kisses and, YUCK! That’s where I felt I had been ripped off.

This movie was all about fun! And when I say fun, I mean no swearing or boobs. There were some cleavage scenes, but those people were old, and gross and too far away to elicit and bonnerisms from me anyway. I always try to get my moneys worth.

I think the narrator is played by Jude Law - which is interesting, because he always gets screwed in every movie, except this one. Although I think the boy in the film is actually him only allot older (because of the mysterious spyglass thing). But what the fuck is a Lemony Snickets?

This movie overall was a masterpiece of both (numbing) mind and space (between your ears). The most enjoyable parts are Jim's, which is no surprise -- Ace Ventura 3, anyone?

SCORE: 7.5

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