War of the Worlds
7-2-2005
I didn’t read the book (if there was one) or see the original movie (if there was one) but if this movie was about a war between worlds, then they got me when I wasn’t looking. Like someone in the movie says: this isn’t a war, its extermination. NO SHIT!
The humans kill only a few of the aliens and spaceships. The aliens are the highlight of this movie, as they always are. Who cares about whiney actors and their families? This is about flesh eating motherfuckers from space, and you know what? Fuck Tom Cruise! (well, not really). So, the aliens were planted on earth like hundreds of years ago, deep below the surface of the Earth, which just happens to be in some of the more popular parts of suburban America and other countries with civilization. You never hear about Aliens and space craft visiting places like Ethiopia or The North pole. You know why? That would be boring - if aliens went there, they would freeze their assholes off, because they always travel naked. PLUS, who are they going to kill? Maybe a few penguins, and is Santa Clause DOES exist, maybe a few elves or something. Actually, that’s not a half bad idea (make a mental note).
So, there is a shit load of lightening, and that’s how the aliens get planted in the ground to work their space walking ships. They basically zap everything in site, and then use the blood or whatever of the captured humans as fuel I guess. Or maybe just to eat them. So cry baby Tom Cruise gets captured of course, but he remembered to bring 3 hand grenades, and that’s what starts the chain reaction to the revenge of the humans: episode 4. So stupid. It was actually a pretty cool and frightening movie until the humans started fighting back. Why can’t they just get eliminated in peace sometimes? I’m so sick of that same old plot. And you know what? The humans don’t even really kill them off. It seems, after all this time the ships were planted on Earth, and by the time the aliens actually came down to eliminate the humans, things have changed, or some shit - and basically the Aliens oxidize to death. That’s so fucking gay. OXIDIZE? To Death? No wonder there are so many commercials about anti-oxidants out there nowadays. Who would have known that would be the basis of aliens just shitting their pants and drying up like prunes in front of us to watch. I was disappointed at that part - but there were some kick ass preliminary exterminations of worthless pointless people beforehand.
And you know what else? Morgan Freeman needed a bigger part (if that was him) All he did was narrate the beginning and the end. I would have rather seen him in more stuff. Like with the movie UNLEASHED. Of course, if JET LI was in War of the Worlds, he would have kicked all the aliens asses up into their nostrils if they had any. So, whatever. What this movie really needed was more ass-handelings. Basically the humans were brought into the ships and sprayed out as blood and guts all over the place. I want to see what the fuck was going on inside the ships - don’t you? I wanted to see the meat grinder and sausage maker. BUT NO. All I got was some aerosol ending with red bullshit spraying all over the place like that’s going to do anything.
Well at least some people got eaten I’m sure. Useless, stupid humans.
OVERALL: 7
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