White Noise
1-8-2005

Holy shit. This movie is so totally radical! And by that I mean I have seen some of it before. It’s pretty intense, though not the "most disturbing film in years" as the trailers suggested. Although Michael Keaton rules all in this movie, it wasn’t him that didn’t let this movie be better.

Note to directors: when trying to create the "most disturbing film in years" go for [RATED R]. I know you are trying to get more people in the movie as possible and make all your money - but a [PG-13] rating for an attempt to scare the living shit out of people was probably the most disturbing thing about the movie. At least if you had an R rating, you could have made the ghost’s porking some hot chicks at some point. Oh well, my opinion doesn’t rule all. Wait, yes it does.

So this movie starts out with Keaton and his family in the house like any normal PG-13 movie that about to go wrong. Long story short: Dad kisses mom and boy goodbye. Mom brings boy wherever. Mom goes to work. Mom blows a tire. Mom gets out of the car (and this is where the conundrum starts) Mom mysteriously dies. Well, it might not be all that mysterious - but every murder/death in this movie is systematically connected in some way. What’s the connection? Aah! That’s the clever part. Read on suckers!

So Keaton morns and there is the funeral. After a few weeks or whatever, he notices a big fat man outside his house (you don’t know he’s fat until he takes up the entire bench outside Keaton’s workplace, but trust me on this) BUT... its his largeness that give the character depth and a sort of intelligence that can only be acquired by some sort of tragedy. And I’m not talking about reciting all the ingredients on the back of a box of Twinkies just by eating them either - this is the real deal. This guy is fat, smart and has a shitload or televisions.

So, he convinces Keaton that he’s been getting messages from his wife since the moment she passed (2:30am) and finally goes to his pad to check it out. ***EMOTIONAL SCENE AHEAD*** you really feel for the guy here - so this is when I took a big slurp from my 128oz beverage to break up the sap. So there is someone else there too - a sort of hot chick in her late 30's maybe. Kind of looks like Keaton’s deceased wife, and I thought maybe that was part of the plot at the time - but no, it was just some sort of bullshit to work in a semi-luscious chick into the script who has librarian sort of plain-Jane’ ness to her - but for some reason shows off her navel at times. Interesting eyes she has. I would eat them in a second!

So the fat guy dies, and new hot chick finds the message she has been waiting for (her dead husband is ok in heaven or whatever) and Keaton is now stuck to figure out all these friggin' televisions and VCR's himself. Good thing he’s independently wealthy, because he’s going to need a new MAC G5, 15 televisions, and a shitload of other cool high definition recording equipment to pull this off. After all, ghosts like HDTV. He records all this stuff and his wife too! (shock) apparently, she’s giving him clues to some "yet to happen" tragedy’s, which is I guess is the sub-plot. (the actual plot being what the fuck he does for a living so he can afford all that shit. Oh yeah he’s an architect! I didn’t see one pencil throughout the whole movie though) Keaton saves a few lives and all that. The new hot chick owns a bookstore, which is convenient to the story, because she has all the fat dead guys’ notes from his EVP recordings and journals.

So after pissing off the cops and avoiding death himself (for now. oops), he sees a (blind?) psychic girl who tells him to stop meddling. Well, sorry sweetheart, this is a former BATMAN dude... he doesn’t have time for all that shit - he’s out to DEAL with the current situation. So, suck it down. After decoding all this shit his deceased wife is telling him through the VCR, he ends up in this abandon empty ugly building. It’s raining outside, so you know this is the big scene. Meanwhile the cop in the movie (oh yeah forgot about him) head over to Keaton’s place where he sees all this shit tossed. Which sucks because that crap is expensive? So somehow he ends up at the same place as Keaton, and that’s when the bullshit unfolds. It ends up some dickhead brainless construction worker is being "told" what do by these 3 ghosts in the recordings. (who magically, no one else notices except us the audience) Oh yah, the construction guy has all this cool TV and computer shit too! I wonder how much he makes a week. Anyway... he’s got some chick duct tapes to a chair and I think he’s shocking her for some reason. Probably because the ghosts told him too. Idiot. So now Keaton makes his way up there, because his wife tells him so (see, damn women is telling him what do to even after she’s dead!) After he goes up there and gets ass-raped buy the 3 ghosts, the cop shows up with his entourage and shoots the construction guy. Meanwhile, Keaton is lying dead two floors down with his knee up his ass. Nice cinematography there! So I guess the whole story was about Keaton’s wife trying to kill him, so she can be with him up in heaven. Selfish bitch. He didn’t even get to bang the other hot chick! What a rip-off!

This movie had violent ghosts (7), nice ghosts (-1), blood (8), guns (6), a shitload of gadgets (7), no boobs (-1, (a 1/2 point for each hot chick, who didn’t flash me), BUT in the end there was an electrocution and execution and that gets 4. (multiplied by the two bodies = 8)

 

OVERALL: 8.5

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